I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
