I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Randomize
