I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize