I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
