My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's official drugs can't kill me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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