Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
