They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
