I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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