Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
