Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize