You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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