i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
