my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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