I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
