I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
