I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's always time for handjobs
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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