Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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