He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
