I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My vagina just recognized that song.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
