Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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