life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
