i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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