just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
