it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
