I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
