if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
