He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
