I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
