Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
