Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
