I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
