Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize