My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
