I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
