my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
