I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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