We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Pants are for mortals
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
