just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
