guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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