I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
