Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
