he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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