38 yer olds are good kisserssss
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
