life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
