You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
