somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
