I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
