his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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