no, he came in my armpit
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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