finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
