Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
