if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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