bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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