You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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