he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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