y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I lost the right to judge tonight
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
