If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
