So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
