Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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